


Giving it a name

by MissSaphir



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Dean in Denial, Denial, First Kiss, I don't know what else, I'm Bad At Tagging, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Supportive Sam Winchester, i guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissSaphir/pseuds/MissSaphir
Summary: Dean had been in denial since, well, forever.But what will happen if he gets called out for it?What if Sam dares to give it a name?How do you deal with feelings, which you know are just wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Guys! Soooo.... I wrote a fan fiction? Yay!  
> It's my first one on here, so I hope you enjoy it....  
> (Comments are greatly appreciated)

The first time he noticed it he immediately cut it off.

Dean didn‘t really have the time to be occupied with feelings. With a little brother to take care of, noisy teachers how couldn‘t be bothered to leave him alone and, well, once more a new school full of new people to get used to. He really hadn‘t had a chance to daydream about him.

With his stupid blue eyes, his annoying way of biting his lips when he was focused on something and his beautiful, big and bright smile...  
STOP!

What was he doing? Dad wouldn‘t be proud of me.

Back then this thought would be enough to shove it away. But with the years it would only grow harder.

The thoughts would come whenever he got to a new school. And now that he finally understood what those thoughts meant. Really meant.  
He hated himself for them.  
In the very moment it would rise up from some deep, dark corner of his mind he would, without fail, throw himself at some girl. Kissing them never felt wrong, but always somewhat empty, pointless. It would help till they moved again and he could promptly forget about whoever caused it. 

This twisted way of dealing with that part of himself worked out just fine for him.  
Nobody, especially not his family, could ever find out what was going on inside his mind.

Then things got out of control.

Everything was fine and first.  
Sam and he blended it, tried their best to find their places and he watched out not to form any attachments. It actually worked out better then it normally would, no one caught his eyes and no one activated that part of him.

But then it happened.  
He happened.

„Would you like to come over to mine this afternoon? Drink something, hang out. Get to know each other?“ ; it sounded so harmless when Luke, a guy from his English class, asked him.

He wasn‘t anyone special at the school. Not a nobody, not extraordinary popular, just in the broad middle.  
He couldn‘t have known, what was about to happen. And maybe that was why at first he didn‘t react at all when it happened. 

They had cracked a few bears, talked about school, heard some classic rock and they watched a film. Nothing out of the ordinary.  
Maybe Dean should have noticed the long glances Luke shot him instead of watching the film, or the way he sat closer than it was truly necessary , or how their hands graced another just a tiny bit every time they reached for the popcorn. 

But he didn‘t.  
Somehow didn‘t want to.  
And then it escalated in a matter of seconds.

Hand cupping his face, Luke coming closer and closer, warm lips moving against his.  
Warm lips moving against his  
He froze.  
He, of course, didn‘t respond to the kiss, but he didn‘t shove him away either. 

He should. 

Should push him away, scream at him, storm out of the room.

He didn‘t.

And after a few seconds of the one sided kiss Luke pulled away. And he asked him, worry written on his face: „Was that okay?“

No! Say no! Tell him to get the fuck away from you! 

„Yeah.“, he answered in a silent voice.

Then they kissed again. And they didn‘t do more.  
He left soon after this.  
Feeling ashamed and being sure that Sam or, god help, his Dad would notice, that his cheeks were flushed, or his lips puffed, or, at least, the guilt he felt swallowing him.  
They didn‘t and he never met Luke again, out of school that is. But he never forgot about this kiss either.

The first time he kissed a boy.

In every following school he was careful not to slip again.  
He didn‘t let any boy get close to him, in particular not any cute ones. God what was he thinking

Then school ended.  
He started to sleep with every girl that was willing to. And maybe, just maybe, he found himself flirting with a guy.  
When he was very drunk, very desperate and very, very sure that his Dad wasn‘t around.  
Then Sam left and everything got out of control, kind of.

Because when he knew Dad wasn‘t anywhere near, he relaxed.  
It took fewer and fewer drinks to give in to it. 

And somehow it happened.

Between laughing, flirting and more and more drinks this guy pulled him outside, kissed him passionately in a dark alley and suddenly his hands were everywhere.  
Touching him where they just shouldn't and grinding against him. 

It didn't feel bad.  
But it should.

He felt thrown back to this moment with Luke all those years ago.  
But this time he reacted.  
He grabbed the collar of this son of a bitch and shoved him back hard. He heard a thump and ran, not looking back.

He felt pathetic and weak and absolute shame rose inside him. He wasn‘t sure, if it was, because he let it come as far as he had, giving in to all of those wrong feelings, or because his Dad still had such a big influence over him, all those miles away.

Nothing happened after this. Or rather, nothing like this. 

He had absolute control over himself, and whenever he hadn‘t, it wasn‘t anything a lot of booze and chicks couldn‘t help.  
And the years came by. Everything went down, rose up, only to crash even harder. But he lived, mostly.

Summarized?

Dad went missing. He got Sam back. Dad died. The demon died. Sam died. He sold his soul. Sam came back. He went to hell. Broke. Suddenly he was alive. Cas happened.

Cas happened. 

Cas. Yeah. He was a real problem.

Not overall , he was his best friend after all, but to this side of him.  
He nearly slipped, like every time he was around.  
But somehow he managed. And the years came around once more.

But seemingly he hasn‘t been as good at hiding it as he thought.

Sam started giving him looks, sometimes full of pity, sometimes terribly encouraging, and sometimes just the finest of bitch faces.

He started saying things like: „I support you Dean. Whatever you do.“, or, „Do you want to talk about it?“, all the overused soap opera phrases. 

In the beginning he would get majorly pissed of. More at himself than Sam, but ,somewhere along the line, he simply accepted and, somehow, treasured it.  
Not that he would admit it to him.  
Ever.  
He nearly told him multiple times.  
But even with John dead it still felt wrong. 

Not that it would matter any more. Sam called him out.

Cornered him, after he locked himself up once more after a almost slip up towards Cas,

„Talk to me Dean!“

„Everything‘s alright, Sam.“, normal this sentence paired with his „Don‘t-You-Dare-To-Say-Anything-More“-Face was enough. Not this time.

„You‘ve locked yourself up for 2 days straight! I won‘t leave till you talk to me! Or him.“

„Him?“ 

Oh god, please no. Don‘t say...

„Cas is upset. He thinks he did something wrong.“

Thank god.

„He didn‘t really do anything wrong, did he? Please tell him, Dean. I‘m sure he won‘t judge you.“

„What the fuck are you talking about, Sam? Talk clear or leave.“

No, no, no, no,..

„I know it, Dean. Cas knows it too, probably. And I won‘t watch how you blame yourself for something that‘s absolutely okay to be for a single more year. Nothing‘s wrong with you, Dean! Nothing‘s wrong with it! Simply...“, Sam‘s voice started getting louder and louder towards the end.

He got angry, red fog angry.

„I have no idea what you‘re talking about and I won‘t let you scream at me like that!“

Sam snapped : „I know that you flirted with all those guys! Kissed some even! I know about Luke! I know that you‘re feeling something for Cas. I know you‘re bisexual! It‘s okay,..“

He slammed the door shut. Oh fuck, oh fuck, OH FUCK. 

Sam knew.

He KNEW. 

He gave IT a name.

Bisexual

Dean broke down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we go again.  
> Sorry that it took so long...  
> I promise the next one will come sooner! Now enjoy <3

SLAM! The door fell shut in his face.

Oh, great job Sam! Really sympathetic of you! 

Well, that didn‘t go as it should. He hadn‘t come here to bring it up. Not like this at least.   
Sure, he had planed on asking Dean what was wrong, hoping that he would come out on his own. Quite literally. And in the likely case that Dean wouldn‘t, he had planned to lure him out with a few cold ones and one of those absurd cowboy films Dean couldn‘t get enough of. Eventually he would have offered Cas to join them, letting everything fall back into its normal order, like it somehow always did.  
But Cas only stammered excuses of having to leave when he told him he would go get Dean and this combined with Deans usual denial of anything even being wrong made him lose his cool. 

Now he couldn‘t even be angry at him for locking himself up once more. Because this time it was absolutely his fault. He called his brother out on being bisexual.   
His brother, who had been in denial since, well, forever. 

The first time Sam made a realization that Dean was different from what he would have been taught to be normal was in their early childhood. And he didn‘t pay to much attention to it. Maybe because, even back then, those values didn‘t occur meaningful to him.

Sometimes Dean would talk about boys with this dreamy look on his face.   
A thing Sam up to then only ever had seen on TV, in all those cheesy romance shows.   
When he asked Dean about it he would blush, one of the very rare occasions that ever happened, and tell him he was imagining things. 

Sam was sure he wasn‘t. 

But how could he know. He wasn‘t allowed to watch those shows anyway. Dad would call them “girly” and “inappropriate for real boys”. He didn‘t really understand this either.  
Dean liked to watch those shows, too. (Which he would totally deny for the rest of his life)   
They would occasional watch them together. But only when Dad wasn‘t around.  
Just like Dean only ever talked about boys when he wasn‘t there. And not only in the film way, but at all. Back then he wouldn‘t interpret into that at all.   
And he surely didn‘t label it.

The labels came with middle school. When gay and girly became an insult and being yourself some kind of sin. And it wasn‘t until this times when the next remarkable thing happened.

Dean had been away longer than usual, going out to meet up with Luke, a guy in his English class. Which, in itself, was a weird thing, but combined with his behavior in the following days it just hit a new level of weirdness. 

Dean would start starring into space randomly, sometimes even with a fond little smile, and he would always, without fail, blush when getting called out on it.   
Dean blushed. That wasn‘t something that happened. But that wasn‘t all. He stopped going out all together, wouldn‘t mention Luke any more and would lock himself up when Sam asked him what had gone wrong.

Finally Sam had enough. If Dean wouldn‘t give him a straight answer, then maybe Luke would.  
He found him after school, standing in the parking lot.

„Do you know what‘s wrong with Dean?“, maybe not the greatest conversation starter he could have thought of. But it did the job. Confusion was written on Luke's face, looking Sam up and down until his realization came: „ You are his little brother, aren‘t you? Sam, right?“, seeing the confusion now displayed on Sam‘s face he added, „He told me about you. And no, I don‘t.“

„Don‘t what?“

„Don‘t know what‘s wrong with him. He was at mine. We...“, for a moment he stocked, „... had a nice evening. And then he just stopped talking to me altogether.“

„But maybe you said something? Or he did something weird? Or you? Really it could be anything, he can be difficult sometimes! And...“

„Listen, Sam. I get that you are worried. But I‘m quiet sure that Dean wouldn‘t like me talking to you about this. So maybe just drop it, and he will come around on his own.“

„But what if he won‘t? What if he never becomes the same again? Or never talks to me? OR WHAT IF...“

„Hey, hey, Sam! Calm down! He will! I promise. He may just have found something out about himself. Give him time. It can be quite the process to progress finding out that you may not be as straight as you thought...“

In an instant all his thoughts stopped. Not as straight as you thought?   
But... That can‘t be... 

„Dean is gay? But all his girlfriends? And he doesn‘t even like pink. Or girly things. And he never said anything. And...“

Luke's eyes widened as he understood what bomb he just had dropped: „ No, Sam! Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Okay, listen up. That‘s not something I should have told you and you really shouldn‘t talk to your brother about it.“

„But if he‘s gay, then I have to talk to him! Maybe I can even help him!“   
Dean is gay... That‘s something Sam could manage! Dad taught him about them! 

„What do you mean 'help him'?“, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.

„Well, Dad taught me that, what they are doing is a sin, but that you can help them overcome it! He said it was a wrong thing to be, and that the demons would get them all in the end! But I can help Dean and save him from...“.  
Luke starred down at him in shock and suddenly Sam wasn‘t so sure about the truth of his knowledge.  
“Is something wrong?“

Catching himself, Luke let out a shaky breath: „Fuck... Is that really what your Dad told you? God, Dean I‘m so sorry... No wonder he avoids me. Okay, wow, I can‘t believe I‘m doing this, Sam everything you just told me is wrong. Can we... Do you have a moment to talk about this?“  
And some talking they did.

That was the day Sam first got informed about the LGTBQ spectrum, or rather, the first day he got some true information.   
Like, that there were more sexualities then just „Gay“ and „Straight“, more genders then „Girl“ and „Boy“, and that non, absolutely non, of that was a sin, or wrong in any way.   
It was just how people identified themselves, just who they loved. It sure was a big cluster of information to work through for him, but Luke was patient. And in the end he believed to understand most of it. He would only understand much later in his life how thankful he should have been for this talk.

„So, you are gay.“, he simply asked the first question to shoot through his young mind in that moment. 

Luke shifted in his seat, avoiding, not for the first time during there talk, to look Sam directly in the eyes.   
„Yeah. More or less out, but definitely proud.“ He grinned at him.   
And Sam couldn‘t help but to shoot him a little smile back.

„And Dean is... Bi?“, the new word still was feeling weird on his tongue, „But I still want to talk to him about it! He has to know that it‘s okay with me, and, if everything goes back to normal afterwards, then...“

„I wouldn‘t do that actually, Sam.“, Luke interrupted him, his voice tender and his eyes looking sad, „Dean is, well, scared is the most fitting word. He probably just discovered it himself, and normally people don‘t like being outed.“

„But, then he will just continue hiding himself. And he will always have the feeling that what he is doing is wrong. Can‘t you just talk to him? I promise I won‘t even tell him that I already know about it! I will just act surprised and everything should work out!“

A sad half smile appeared on Luke's face: „I don‘t think he would want to talk to me. Not after what happened.“

„I don‘t...“, Sam hesitated, „I don‘t want to be rude. And you don‘t have to tell me. But, how do you even know that he isn‘t straight? I mean... What did happen between you two?“

„I, well, we kind of... kissed.“, he blushed, starring at his shoes as if he just noticed that he was wearing them, „And I guess he liked it, some way?“

„Hahahaha!“, he just couldn‘t help it. And even if laughing hysterical probably wasn‘t the right response to a boy telling you he kissed your brother, who you thought was absolutely straight just until now, it seemed like the most appropriate response for Sam.  
And suddenly Luke joined in, and they laughed and laughed, earning weird stares from the people around them. But it didn‘t matter. Not really. Because all the tension just seemed to melt away. And when they stopped Sam just knew things would work out okay.

„My brother is a idiot, isn‘t he“, Sam asked, giggling once more.

„Yeah, yeah he truly is.“,and Luke got this dreamy look on his face, the look he just had ever known from Dean, and with a sad smile he pulled Sam in for a hug: „Everything will work out.“

„Yes. It will.“ And Sam truly believed it.

From this day on he accepted it as an unspoken truth. Dean is bi. And we don‘t talk about it.  
He started seeing it now, wondering how blind he must have been. But sometimes you only see, what you believe to be true. It was alright with him. 

The little things didn‘t ever go unnoticed again. All there time growing up together, if it was on hunts, or when they visited a new school. He saw it now.   
The little glances, the smiles. The exchange of numbers or flirtations when Dean thought no one was looking.   
When they got older it were the nights Dean was away, coming back to their motel in the early morning, all disheveled and glowy, and didn‘t brag about the newest fling he just picked up at a bar. Sam would notice the weird way he sat and walked. His legs bowing even more than normally.   
He refused to think to much about those days.

Then he left for high school, which, of course, led to him not noticing Deans actions.   
But he collected some experiences of his own. 

During a round of truth or dare, and at an evening he definitely looked down a bottle to far, he made out with a guy.   
After that he knew he didn‘t swing that way. Not that it was that bad, it just wasn‘t for him.   
He never stopped accepting Dean. Him getting out of their Dads reach, and more important, away from his fathers undeserving opinions, only made him respect Dean more.

Then everything happened. 

Dean came back. Jess died. Their Dad died. Then the demon. Then even he self. He came back. Dean sold his soul. Dean died. And then Cas came into their lives.

It doesn‘t have to be mentioned that the existence of angels, of God, changed their lives. What on the other hand has to be mentioned is how Cas, Cas as a person, not a angle, changed his life.  
And more particularly, Deans life. 

Sure Cas became a dear friend to him, one of the best friends he ever had. But for Dean Cas was so much more.  
In all honesty? It was quite obvious from the start to, seemingly, anyone but themselves.   
And the tension. By God, the tension.   
Sam could swear sometimes he was almost able to grab it. 

They were eye-fucking. Really no matter how hard he tried, there wasn‘t a better way to describe it. But they wouldn't act on it. Never. And slowly it was driving him insane. Way more insane than the thought of his best friend and his brother together ever could. 

He tried to show his support, to let it shine through that, for him, it would be alright.   
But either Dean didn‘t notice it, or didn‘t want to.   
But not even he couldn‘t be so oblivious when it came to romantic matters, could he? Not that any of his kind words or little actions mattered. Dean was far enough in the closet, that he should have found Narnia by now.   
And Cas was simply scared. Something Sam could absolutely understand.

He had been an angle of the lord for Billions of years of existence, not falling in, or feeling, love at all.   
And then he not only befriended the Winchester brothers. The brothers who were supposed to bring the apocalypse. No, he also lost his heart to one of them. And it was painful. Loving a man, who would never reciprocate your love. And not only he seemed disgusted by it, but half of the people around him seemed too.

“A man and a man? That‘s unnatural! That shouldn‘t exist! God wouldn‘t want this!”

Of course that was some freaking bull shit.   
Sam had known this for a long time, and Cas for even longer.   
And, truly, even Dean knew it, for that he never would say something against it. But when he became involved, everything suddenly had to be the biggest drama in the world.

Maybe Deans hypocritical response to his own feelings was at fault for finally making Sam snap. Maybe it was the fact that some part of the tension between Dean and Cas has inflicted on him.   
But, most likely, it were the tears he had seen as Cas has left the bunker in a rush. Tears caused by Deans stupidity. By his damn ignorance and twisted self view which led him to believe, that loving a man would make him any less of one.

He had screamed at Cas over some stupid case in Florida. Over some unimportant facts about this stupid case. And than his brother had looked at Cas with angry eyes and told him to leave. To leave and not come back till he had sorted his “fucking queer head” back into order.  
Dean couldn‘t have chosen worse words to say it. Even Sam flinched, his gaze shooting to the angle. But Cas was already leaving, not stopping at Dean silent and broken: „Wait!“, that he called after him. Then Dean left.   
And Sam was alone in the library.   
He stayed calm for 2 days.

Waiting for the other two men to get themselves together once more.   
And as nothing happened he decided to.... Well, but this is an already told story. Leading him to the point where he is standing in this corridor.  
Deans door was shot before him and was left wondering how the hell he is going to talk to Dean about this.

About the bisexuality Dean had locked down for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you such much for reading!  
> Kudos and Comments are greatly appreciated !

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Every mistake can be kept as a pet, I promise they are tame!  
> Next chapter will come out as soon as I find the time to reread it


End file.
